“A long time ago the people I loved went away. I promised myself I would protect myself and never need anyone again…”
This is what Rob Lowe says to Elizabeth Shue in this movie I just finished watching. It was free on “On Demand.”
I remember thinking that I wasn’t going to take that phrase as a sign. I wasn’t going to let it get to me. I have been very mad at signs lately. I usually believe in them and follow them and feel as if they’ve never steered me wrong until recently. Lately, I don’t think they’ve been right at all because all the signs I have followed have led me directly to a broken heart.
Yesterday I told my temproomie that I wanted to go for a run. Today he came home early and we went to find a place to run along the Potomac. We didn’t end up where I’d wanted. We got off of the George Washington Parkway too soon and were near the airport. I was a bit disgruntled but didn’t want to get back on the road. I complained a bit when we started walking. “This is not the place I wanted to go… I want to be in nature, not looking at smokestacks and an airport.. I want trees and green and I want to get away..” It’s been a rough few days.. weeks and months in my personal life.. and I want to just run away from my thoughts and my feelings. I know I can’t really do that.. but being in nature helps me center.
My roomie said we could leave, but I said no. So he told me not to complain anymore.
I said, “No, maybe we were meant to go this way.”
“Not everything happens for a reason. Mistakes aren’t predestined and you can fix them,” he chided.
I thought to myself, “Maybe he’s right.” That’s why I did what I did. “Can I fix my mistakes? Maybe that’s why things never work. That’s what I’m trying to do now.”
By then we’d gone a ways.. and the voice in my head said I was being too emotional and making something out of nothing. So I just let it go.
We walked a little, ran a little and walked some more. My roomie is really great with birds and trees and nature. He pointed out Cormorants and told me that they are like ducks but not.. that they dive and are really agile in water. Then I looked up and saw this bird, gliding.. and I said, “What’s that? A bald eagle?”
He looked up and then said, “As a matter of fact, it is.” I didn’t believe him.
“How sure are you? 100%?”
“Positive. That’s a Bald Eagle.”
Then he told me about how they used to catch them so that they could put tracking devices on them and monitor them. He had no doubts.
A tear came to my eye.. and I just stood there. How incredibly amazing to see that bird, flying, gliding, and so graceful, powerful. It was a moment I will never forget. An American Bald Eagle, flying above Washington DC.
We walked a little further and ended up finding Theodore Roosevelt’s memorial. It’s on an island. We walked over the bridge and were in awe of the memorial. It is beautiful and on all my trips and tours in the DC area, I’d never even heard of it. Teddy was an incredible man.. and we decided we’d go back when the water was filled in around the memorial and we would have cameras to take pictures of the slabs of marble with the quotes carved in them. (Another great man referencing the fact that we must adjust and change with our times, like the Jefferson memorial.. which on a side note, I believe is a warning to our times that strict interpretation of the Constitution is silly… as Jefferson tells us, would we expect a young man to wear the same coat he wore as a child? Of course not.. and so we must grow as well.. and change.)
After we walked around the memorial we decided to take the trails and explore the island. We walked a few hundred feet and turned a corner. I heard rustling in the brush and stopped to look. No more than 15 feet away from us, there were 3 deer. A doe and her two yearlings. It was incredible. They are so beautiful and so amazing. I was speechless again. We just stood there.. staring at them and they cautiously went on eating. I didn’t want to leave that spot.
I saw a variety of ducks and birds, all of which my roomie identified.. there was even a Downy Woodpecker. They are so little and so cute. We also saw Grackles, Robins, Doves, Cardinals, and a bunch others. There was a Mallard mom and dad protecting their nest.. standing guard and not about to move or be disturbed by us. How utterly natural it is for living things to pair up and bare offspring.
There was grass everywhere, tiny leaves coming forth, buds of flowers opening up, and the bugs weren’t out in full force yet. You could smell the different trees.. some, more potent than others. You could smell the water and the marshy areas. You could hear the birds over the traffic and for a few moments today.. I could forget about everything but the world coming alive around me.
Life goes on, whether we want it to or not, doesn’t it?
I am not going to sit here and wallow and ignore it. I don’t want to wake up and realize that all this time passed without me being aware of and a part of it all. Broken heart or not.. it’s time to get over it.
Anyway.. we ran back and hit up Baskin Robbins on the way home. Tonight we’d planned to go out but I made dinner and had a glass of wine. I also have an incredible headache which I’m sure is a direct result of me being dehydrated and going out for so long. It was too beautiful a day to pass up though and I feel like spring is going to be too short this year.
After dinner I decided to watch that movie. It started out horribly. I think it was filmed in the 80’s. The opening scene has a man begging the love of his life to come with him, to marry him. He finally got a loan to buy some property and he wanted her to finally come to live with him. She wasn’t ready. She wanted to do her thing a little longer. They were standing outside of this place called the “The Purple Onion” and the movie is set in San Francisco.
The movie is about a group of four people who die together and are then guardian angels for this little baby that is born in the crash. They don’t realize after 20+ years that they are supposed to resolve their issues… something in life they didn’t finish. Each person does so, till the end where the last woman goes to find her lost love to tell him that she’d really loved him. She finds out just before her time’s up that he passed on 7 years prior. There’s a moment where she thinks that she’ll never get to resolve her life’s mistake until she realizes that what she was meant to do was stop the little boy (who’s now a man) from making the same mistake she did.
It’s a part that pulls on your heart strings.. and a part that hit home for me. I fought it though. I didn’t want to think about how it could relate to my life. It’s just a random movie I picked out. Nothing to do with anything.
Yes, it’s true, that I did have someone leave when I was younger. Yes, it’s true that I do keep people at arm’s length. Yes, it’s true that I will push someone away far before they have the chance to leave me. Over and over again, I have done this. Countless times. And then I make it so that they can’t come back. No matter what. That way, I won’t know if they tried and it didn’t work. I won’t know if they didn’t try to come back for me. They can’t. I won’t be waiting because I know that I’ve made it so impossible for anyone to come after me so they won’t. It’s so much easier to get over this type of broken heart than it is the kind where someone leaves you without any reason or explanation. Trust me on this one.
And screw signs anyway. Every time I turned around there were signs leading me to him. The songs on the radio, the dj’s name, the random songs played by an Irish guy at an Irish Pub my friends and I went to… the timing of things, how things would happen and fall into place in the nick of time to keep me hanging on, the way that everything worked to put us together. How could it all have been so wrong? But it was. It is… and it’s completely over. He can’t come back and it’s not right anyway. We are not right. It would never have worked and I was an idiot for thinking it would. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well, by that definition, I am completely insane.
Then the thoughts.. what if I die tomorrow? Have I been completely honest? Nope. I always tell the ones I love that I really care for them.. and that’s it. If I die without telling them the truth, will I regret it? And what’s the meaning of all of this anyway? I’ve lived an entire year beyond what I could/should have and what have I to show for it? What have I done in this past year that made it worth it all? Why am I here? Did I deserve to live? I don’t feel as if I’ve earned the right to be here. I feel this enormous pressure to do something to earn this time. My friend told me I’m too hard on myself. Great. If that’s the answer to my problems, then how do you stop doing that?
Anyway.. after the movie, I came to my computer and checked my email.
There’s an advertisement on the page.
It’s for a comedy club.
It’s called “The Purple Onion.”
It’s in San Francisco.
The show is on 4/20.
That’s tonight.
How absolutely insane is that? Some random movie I order on Comcast on Demand happens to have that club in the background? Then I turn off the movie and sit down at my computer and a random advertisement has the club?
I really don’t want to believe in signs.. because I’m mad at where I am right now.. and where they’ve led me… but how much more obvious can it be?
Today was a really interesting day.
I’m going to see if I can drag my roomie out to the country bar up the street.
I think my headache’s gone and besides.. what better to do than have a couple of beers and listen to sad country songs?!
Signs shmines. I feel like I’m losing my faith again.